"The Dirt I Have on You is the Ground."

So, for all of you Nashville fans, I'm not "buried under," as the song indicates, but I am on a new path.  Along with the new job and other new things, I have had to adjust my perspective on working out and dieting, both because of my schedule and because of my lingering hip issues.  Still, I am hopeful.  Last Friday, I was allowed to jog on the treadmill, and I managed to maintain my pace, albeit a slow one, for my full warm-up time.  Even my physical therapist said, "For someone who hasn't run in almost a year, looked great out there!"  Of course, I didn't feel wonderful after it, but, inside, I felt a modest sense of accomplishment. There's obviously a long road ahead, and I remain in doubt as to whether the surgery worked.  However, I'm not letting it get me down...at least, not today.  This weekend I worked out on my own, and I didn't feel any different afterwards than before--so that's something.  Today, I welcome the soreness in my abs that tells me that I did more than just stretch and other silly small things.  While not intending to overdo it, I am planning on going home tonight to see if this running thing is causing me to actually feel better or, at least, the same as when I don't exercise.  Here's hoping...

At the same time, I've decided to give up caffeine unless it comes from tea or unless I absolutely have to have it (e.g., after a long night at the office).  I'm not sure how long or if this will last, but it was helpful the last time I began the process of slimming down, so we'll see.

In any case, just thought I might share this small stream-of-consciousness post with y'all before I leave for India on Friday.  If I don't post again before I depart, happy holidays, and best wishes for a happy new year.

See you on the flipside!

Beso,
A

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to."

I've been avoiding posting for a little too long, mostly because I don't want to have to memorialize what's going on right now.  I'm not going to fully rehash the details of everything, but, suffice it to say, much of my world has been turned upside down. The combination of all that is going on has hardened me a little and caused me to overflow with emotions I didn't realize I even had.  It's been very difficult to grasp, and, at times, I question whose life it is I'm living.  On the one hand, I am so fortunate to have so many supportive and loving people in my life and to not struggle with many of the challenges others face on a daily basis.  On the other hand, I am entering a new normal, both in regards to my health and my worldview.  For some of you reading this, you may be wondering about the non-health-related changes that have occurred since I last posted, and, if you feel so inclined, inquire.  While it's something I don't really want to delve into, I am happy to share with those who don't already know.

In the meantime, I'm trying to take each day as it comes and find the joy in little things. For example, I was quite proud to watch the Dores go 8-4 and set all kinds of school records last night.  They make me proud.  At the same time, it reminded me of how much easier and happier things seemed when I was in college.  But, c'est la vie. As the saying goes, "this too shall pass."  It's just a question of how long it takes and whether it changes me (forever).

On that note, I'm going to turn back to watching football and doing work. Not bad for a Sunday after the kind of week I've had.

-Double A

"Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons..."

They fill you with fear.

As many of you know from talking to me, so much has happened recently.  Even as a list, it looks ridiculous, and a list could not possibly capture everything.  Nevertheless, since graduating from law school in early May, I have done the following:

1. Moved from my apartment in Savoy to a friend's apartment
2. Studied for the bar
3. Taken the bar
4. Moved from my friend's apartment to my parents' house
5. Toured NYC with my mom
6. Gone on Birthright (10 days in Israel)
7. Attended a law school friend's wedding in San Francisco
8. Did a public interest law fellowship, working with low-income clients.
9. Had surgery
10. Searched and ultimately found an apartment in Chicago
11. Shopped for things to fill #10
12. Continued to recover (this means: physical therapy twice a week, biking two hours a day, stretches, and follow-up visits to the surgeon and a rheumatologist)

The stuff above is both exciting and exhausting. It also means that pretty much everything has been a blur.  This surgery has given me a lot of time to slow down and relax a little while catching up with friends and family.  For that, I'm incredibly grateful.  I truly don't know when I'll ever have time like this again after I start my job.  Don't get me wrong...I am very excited to start my job.  Nevertheless, I'm trying to make the most of these last few weeks, including my upcoming vacation to Riviera Maya.  I can't wait to sit on a beach and just relax with VS.  Should be pretty great.

Still, I remain concerned, as the title of this post suggests, about my post-op condition.  It's really hard to say whether I am getting better or staying the same or, G-d forbid, feeling worse.  At this point, I'm walking without a crutch and/or a brace, but it is somewhat painful.  I can't tell whether any of this is normal or, if not, what it means.  I've seen a rheumatologist about the inflammation they found in my tissue during surgery, and, despite all of the blood work and a chest x-ray, they still don't know what's going on with me.  For the moment, the diagnosis is inflammatory arthritis, which means nothing.  It just says that I have inflammation in my blood without any other explanation--no lupus or osteo/rheumatoid arthritis.  The doctor said that this is a good thing in the long run, but it also means that the treatment could be hit or miss since it's not a textbook case of anything.  Oh goodie.  Still, I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm doing everything I can to make sure that this surgery is successful.  I just hope it's enough...

As I said, I'm tired.

Besito,
A

"Something Good This Way Comes"

Post-op day 9.  Good news...I have just returned from my post-op appointment, and I have been instructed to wean myself off the crutches and lose the brace by Wednesday (two weeks post-op).  I am also no longer required to cover the incision spots (three one-cm slits).  I am very thrilled to be making this kind of progress.  Of course, it remains to be seen what will happen with the inflammation they found and whether I am fully better post-op than pre-surgery.  I truly hope that this is the beginning of something really good, not just a temporary jump in my subjective sense of things.  In any case, just wanted to share the good news.

More updates soon, hopefully.

Besito,
A

"I'm Walking on Sunshine, Woooooo, and Don't it Feel Good."

As I write this, I am four days post-op and doing great.  Before surgery, I went through the usual shenanigans of waiting followed by insertion of an iv (so much fun, obvi) and then being anesthetized.  The last thing I remember is being asked if I was okay--a question I don't believe I ever answered.  Next thing I knew, I woke up feeling cold and shaking.  I told the nurse that, and she gave me something that made me feel fantastic along with a graham cracker.  Being the silly person I am, I asked her if she could make it a s'more, and she said they didn't have any chocolate or marshmallows. I pushed her on that but was still denied.  After an even longer wait than before surgery, I was released to go home.

Since then, each day has gotten better and better.  I'm now going up and down the stairs with relative ease, and I have not taken a painkiller since post-op day 2.  At this point, the brace and crutches seem superfluous, and my leg feels like I could bear a lot more weight than the 20lbs I am allowed to put on it.  Nevertheless, I am listening to the Dr.'s orders and following his every instruction.  The dressings on my incisions have been taken off, and they look like they are healing well.

In the meantime, I am spending a lot of time stretching, icing, and watching T.V. between visits with friends.  The balloons, cards, crepes, helping hands, and kind words have made this experience so much more bearable than I had anticipated.  As I've said time and time again, I am so very lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful, supportive people.  I hope the next 10 days fly by as quickly as the past four--at that time, I will hopefully be cleared to walk without crutches and without my brace.  Here's hoping.

Besito,
A

"Live like a warrior"

On this night before my surgery, I can't help but think that a blog post is necessary.  In the past few weeks, I have really been living the dream.  After moving out of Champaign, I spent three days in New York City with my mom.  We did many things, but the highlights were:

1. Eating at Katz's deli (where the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally was filmed)

2. Visiting the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island

3.  Sex and the City Tour

At Buddakan - where the rehearsal dinner in the SATC movie was filmed

4. Seeing 5,000 Chase locations

5. Laughing hysterically during The Book of Mormon.  To all the Chicagoans, you owe it to yourself to see the play when it comes to town.

After my mommy-daughter weekend, I headed off to Israel on Birthright with a high school friend.  It was, to say the least, an AMAZZZZINNNGGG experience.  I met some really incredible people and saw a ton of things.  From the brief visit to Tzfat (Safed) to Jerusalem to the Kibbutzim to the four hikes, it was a truly beautiful experience.  Given my hip condition, I would never have chosen to do the hikes, but I am glad that I not only survived but enjoyed and succeeded at hiking.  

There were, of course, some not so great moments--e.g., my iPhone making aaliyah somewhere between Masada and the Dead Sea.  Nevertheless, it was eye-opening, inspiring, and emotional.  I really hope I get the chance to go back and see places we skipped because of time, especially Haifa and Eilat.

After some shenanigans and a cancelled flight, I made it back to Chicago almost ten days ago.  It's amazing how time has flown by since then.  Still, I kept myself busy.  I shopped a little for furniture for my new apartment, and I spent time dealing with my jetlag before heading to San Francisco for a friend's wedding.  While in the bay area, I walked and drove across the Golden Gate Bridge, visited the Picchetti Winery in Cupertino, and went out with people in San Jose. In a word, it was bliss. 

Now, back in Chicago again, I've managed to get my house in order just in time for tomorrow's surgery.  I've been asked by a bunch of you whether I am nervous and/or looking forward to the operation.  The only response I can come up with is that I'm ready.  Tomorrow marks 13 months of enduring the pain caused by this condition, and I'm ready to begin life again.  I'm ready to feel like me...a me I haven't felt like in a really long time.  So, I hope that this is the beginning of a string of positive posts about my recovery.  I am already so indebted to so many of you for all of the support you have given me, and I doubt I will be able to repay you.  Please accept my thanks and know how much it means to me.  Until I catch you on the other side...

Besito,

A

"Don't know why, don't know why..."

I'm back.  After my bar study hiatus, several of you have requested that I begin to write again.  In truth, I've missed updating the blog and sharing my thoughts with all of you.  Since I last wrote, lots of things have happened.  I took the bar exam and then moved out of my apartment in Savoy the day after.  After some serious hiccups with my movers, I made the trip back to put my things in storage.  I then celebrated a bit over the weekend by attending a housewarming party and a country concert.  It was one of the first awesome weekends I had this summer.

The following Monday, I traveled back to Champaign to continue working at Land of Lincoln as part of my PILI fellowship.  It was great to get back to work and see everyone in the office, especially my supervisor.  I've really enjoyed being mentored by her, and I am sad that my fellowship is coming to an end.  Nevertheless, I am really grateful for the experience, and I hope that she and I will stay in contact.

After a full week of work, I traveled back to Chicago this weekend to look at apartments.  The process has been interesting but frustrating.  I am very excited to be moving to Chicago this fall, but I am not so enthused about the competition in the rental market.  It seems like every great property gets to me just as  it's being rented by someone else.  Still, I'm hopeful that this process will be over soon, maybe even as soon as Monday.

Tomorrow, I'm seeing a few more apartments and then heading back to Champaign for my last week at Land of Lincoln.  Reflecting upon this time in my life, I feel a number of intense emotions.  There is some amount of sadness about the end of an era--my time living in the cornfields and my life as a student.  It's strange to see the school supplies at stores and know that I have no use for them these days.  At the same time, it's the beginning of a new era--my life as a city-dweller and a lawyer.

To the next step...

Beso,
A

"Today was a Fairytale"

I woke up this morning thinking that today was going to be a continuation of Sunday night and a bad mood.  This feeling was furthered by discovering that my pearl had separated from my earring post for the second time this year.

Then, the day made a 180 degree turn for the better.  I had my first hearing for a client today, and, despite a few surprise questions/instructions from the judge, it went really well.  I was really excited to be in court doing real lawyer things, especially given the alternative of filling in scantrons for bar study or watching another three hour lecture.  After the hearing, I had a nice drive back to Champaign with my supervising attorney, who always seems to add a little sparkle to my day, and then we went to lunch with some visitors from the Public Interest Law Initiative (PILI).

The rest of the day seemed to go by really quickly.  I left the office a little early, came home, took care of some things around the apartment, and then caught up with some of my very favorite people--VS, DdW, JS, and JR.

All of the above makes me realize how lucky I am.  During one of those conversations, a friend told me that I sounded really happy, and, the truth is, I am.  There are definitely things that could be better (read: hip and bar studying), but, all in all, life is really really good.  I'm looking forward to this next chapter in life post-law school and all of the people who have found it worthwhile to be a part of the crazy journey--the weight loss, the weight gain, the emotional ups and downs, and now this.

I think the posts will likely slow down in the coming weeks as the bar approaches, but I hope y'all will forgive me for that. :)

Besito,
A

"Falling from Cloud Nine"

September 5.  That's the day I go under the knife for my right hip.  As the title of this entry implies, setting the date of my surgery made it real for the first time.  Until now, it's been a distant future plan, but, with a series of pre- and post-operative appointments and the date for the surgery itself, there's something in me that's changed.  Each time my hip has hurt today, I've smiled awkwardly.  My reaction likely is an expression of my joy at the very notion that, although I have to suffer with this for another 81 days, I am getting closer to my eventual recovery.  Reading over my old posts, it's clear to me that much of my despair had to do with the uncertainty of if/when I would ever recover.  Now, even after reading all of the literature and blogs on the topic, I know that there is a solution, even if feeling normal may take a while.  The projections of doctors and the anecdotes of FAI patients suggest that I will return to normal about 6 months after the surgery--which would be February.  I am incredibly hopeful, slightly nervous, and mostly excited to give it a try.  From my readings, the pain will likely be unbearable (expect blogs on that topic), but sometimes we have to endure the worst in order to get better.  Here's hoping.

Until then, I have the pain of bar review to enjoy.  Not.

Beso,
Alyse

"You say it best when you say nothing at all"

Recently, people keep asking me why I'm doing my fellowship or how I can be this crazy.  My response, however, is pretty standard at this point--this fellowship is a great opportunity to help others while helping myself, by being exposed to people different from myself and by gaining valuable experience practicing law.  My interactions with clients this week have really reaffirmed how awesome it is.  Of course, balancing bar studies is a little challenging, but I feel like the fellowship is also keeping me on my game because I don't have time to just hang out.  While this is a sacrifice, it's a worthy one.  In a selfish way, I feel like I'm getting the better end of the bargain because I gain more from serving my clients than I would from shopping, chilling by the pool, etc.  The clients are so incredibly grateful, even when the news isn't good. It's just an unreal kind of relationship they have with their lawyers and with Land of Lincoln as an organization.  As a result, I feel proud to have been invited to be a part of this.

Not to toot my own horn, but there is something else I've been involved with for which I feel quite proud. One of my mentors (yes, you MN) has been very active in lending money to entrepreneurs and business people in third world countries.  A few months ago, due to her fondness for Kiva, I jumped on the bandwagon.  Tonight, I decided to make my third loan.  I've focused my lending on female-owned businesses in Latin America, and I hope it has made even a marginal difference in their lives and the lives of their families/communities.  For those of you who haven't, you should really check out Kiva.org or contact me for an invite.  You can lend $25 as part of a free trial, which does not require any funding from you.  This means that the loan is free for you.  Why should you not do it?  I'm not sure honestly, unless you really think your time is that important that you can't spare two minutes to do something for someone else.  In other words, do it, and, when you do, please email, call, or otherwise contact me. :)

Well, there's another happy post.  I hope that this trend continues, and I think it just might.

Besito,
A

"I'm little drunk on you and high on summertime"

So, this is summer.  Probably the weirdest summer that I can remember, especially given that, over the past five summers, I have lived in a foreign country three times.  In that light, living in Champaign is one of the least interesting things I've done.  Add to that the bar studying, on my own and in class, and you start to have a recipe for a "meh" summer.  The aforementioned notwithstanding, this summer is off to a really interesting start.  I am doing a public interest fellowship at the legal aid office in town, and that has to be the best part of the summer so far.  The people are wonderful, especially my supervising attorney, and I have been thrown into a number of interesting assignments and cases there.  I will mainly be working on family law cases, and I am excited to have the opportunity to appear in court, especially before the judge I externed for during 2L year.  It's strange to have come full-circle in some ways--starting law school with the intention of litigating, spending most of law school focusing on transactional work, and now litigating for the summer.  Of course, that will be somewhat short-lived given that I will likely being transactional work when I start my job in October, but who knows?!?!?  The possibilities are endless.

In any case, I am looking forward to my fellowship work.  It is one of the only things that is going to keep me sane while I have so much fun studying for the bar.  On that note, I apologize if my blog becomes inactive, boring, whiney, yadda yadda yadda.  Inevitably, it will, and, when that happens, know that it is nothing personal--well, for some of you, it's personal.  Just kidding.

Until that time comes, I'm going to try to keep it interesting with updates about what I'm up to.  For now, that consists of spending way too much time reading for fun, changing my diet back to what it used to be in an effort to combat the effects of my inability to run, and running between bar study and my fellowship.  To everyone who knows me, this juggling act is a perfect way for me to stay happy...hopefully.

Besito,
A

"Don't Be Ashamed to Cry"

So, I have used the song "Stand by You" as a title for a blog entry before, but I feel like it's particularly fitting for the subject of this particular entry. As many of you know and as my entries since August 5 have suggested, my hip injury has impacted me in some way every day since I first felt pain. It occupies my thoughts when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and for many hours in between. This year, however, has been one of the best I can remember. I spent the last two hours talking with a friend who I haven't spoken with much, and I found myself complaining...a lot. What I loved most about the conversation, though, was the feeling that, regardless of everything, he validated my feelings and showed me that he was going to stand by me. I can imagine that friendship with me hasn't recently been the easiest thing, especially given how boring it is to hear about my hip, studying for the bar, or anything else that is really going on in my life. Nevertheless, conversations like the one tonight are the true measure of friendship--when someone takes the time to listen to me, to do the un-fun thing out of love and respect for me, even if the discussion itself wasn't the most enjoyable (or enjoyable in the slightest). Anyway, for Josh tonight and for everyone else out there who has listened to me and been patient or expressed interest and concern about my condition, I want to say thanks. In the coming months, I will need you all to be strong for me--while I study for the bar and prepare myself for surgery. I have no doubt, however, that these same people are up to the task, and I will forever be indebted to them. Much love, A

"Tell Me What You Want Me to Say"

The final verdict is surgery. I met with Dr. Domb, my new orthopedic surgeon today, and he has prescribed surgery on both hips conditioned on me getting yet another MRI. Yes, my fourth MRI since September. This, of course, was an opinion rendered by the sixth doctor I have consulted (if you include the one at McKinley - which is definitely a subject of debate) upon taking my fifth or sixth set of x-rays.

At this point, it's getting really old, not to mention expensive. I'm just so tired of being 96 before I've even reached 26. For the most part, I think I've been a good sport. I've held it together when my hip gave out, including most recently on the cruise and at the Kentucky Derby. I've been through endless amounts of poking and prodding, physical therapy, and anti-inflammatories, among other things. This whole process has finally worn me down to a point where I'm just not really sure how much more I can take. Surgery seems like the best course, but a number of things stand in the way--studying for the bar, my PILI fellowship, and Birthright. On the one hand, my health is the priority, but, on the other, Birthright represents the ability to do something I have always wanted to do--something I may need to do in order to feel more like myself than I have since this pain began on August 5. I have had this condition for 276 days, and I can probably count on one hand the number of days when I didn't think about it. A majority of those "carefree days" have been because of special friends who have made this last year of law school so special, despite the negative cloud created by my condition. I look forward to the day when this condition no longer plagues me, but I'm just not sure when that day will be.

Sorry for the depressing post. Hopefully the next one will be filled with better news.

"All I do is win" ... kinda.

Since I last wrote, the world seems to have been in a tailspin. Everything is coming and going really quickly. Did anyone else feel like the last two weeks of March didn't even happen? I'm super confused, but I guess it probably just has to do with getting old and also my upcoming graduation. The days have been filled with lots of meetings and other events in preparation for graduation, some of which are fun and many of which are pretty awkward. Still, it's amazing to think that it was three years ago that I began this journey. Unreal. I won't wax and wane about graduation because, as you can imagine, that will be the subject of another post in 34 days or more.

I will, however, comment briefly on getting old or, in my case, my geriatric hip. I went home this weekend to celebrate the first night of Passover with my family, and, as part of that trip, I decided to consult with a different orthopedic surgeon. Dr. Alden, the surgeon who performed my dad's hip replacement, took a new set of x-rays and rendered a verdict: surgery. He says that my condition, FAI, is very visible on the new x-rays, which showed the front and the back of my hip crossing over one another. The effect is that my hips are basically unable to move. Whenever I make a motion with my legs, it is likely because of my pelvis moving but not my hip. This, of course, is a problem. He says the condition is relatively well-understood nowadays and that surgery is necessary in order to prevent it from causing the early onset of arthritis. Lovely. As a result, I have to find a time to consult with yet a different surgeon about performing the surgery and then find a time to have the surgery performed. This is made more complicated by the good news I received this week--I am going on a birthright trip to Israel in mid-August. I am extremely excited, but I also am not pleased that my post-Israel travels may be cut short so I can get this surgery. Nevertheless, I am trying to keep my head up, thinking of the possibility of feeling better and being able to run again--something I haven't really been able to do for almost a year. To end on a happy note, I'd summarize my current status as hopeful. I hope that, as Dr. Alden said to me on my way out of the office, "We're going to get you better."

For now, it's back to reading for Evidence and other "fun" tasks.

Besito,
A

"All that counts is here and now"

This post and the picture above are evidence that I survived (and loved) Spring Break Challenge 2012. For those of you who don't know, I went on a cruise with 15 of my law school friends that took us to Grand Turk (Turks & Caicos), Half Moon Cay, and Nassau. It was a pretty incredible vacation. I was initially worried that the cruise might ruin friendships or otherwise be replete with serious drama, but I could not have been more off base. My existing friendships were strengthened, and I became close to people I didn't know very well beforehand. I can now claim a few new friends, and I hope the entire group stays as close as we were. Realistically, I know that we're going to be in different places next Fall, but I am going to do my best to stay in touch.

As a result of the trip, I'm very energized. Unfortunately, my energy does not translate into academic productivity, but I generally feel high on life. Aside from minor troubles with my hip, things are really great. I just hope this trend keeps up, at least until bar studying starts. Once that happens, it will all probably go to hell in a hand basket, but maybe not. For now, I'm just focusing on today and tomorrow, living life minutes and hours at a time. The here and now is pretty great, so I'm not going to play Ms. Cleo and look one way or another at what the future holds. :)


Besito,
A

"This has gotta be the good life."

So, I'm on the verge of tears. Yes, tears. I'm not sad. In fact, I'm exactly the opposite. Something about today, about this week, about this year has my eyes welling up with tears of happiness. There's no one thing that caused me to feel this way, but, if I had to point to a few things, the list would inevitably include (but not be limited to):

1. catching up with some of my favorite people,

2. spending quality time with one of my roommates, and

3. anticipation of lots of traveling (my cruise next week and my eventual bar trip).

Of course, there are things that have frustrated me (e.g., certain classes) or the fact that I somehow broke my headphones today. However, all of that seems so small in comparison to all of the great things going on these days. I won't say that I'm walking on clouds, but I feel pretty incredible. My hip has been really good recently, and I've managed to stay at the 2012 low for a week now, despite a bit of indulgence this weekend. At this point, I'm 4.6lbs from my all-time adult low, and I'm looking forward to crushing that when I get back from the cruise. I know that it will be tough to maintain this while I'm on vacation, but I am hopeful that nothing too extreme will happen to my diet. I'm thinking lots of fruit combined with snorkeling and swimming. We'll see what happens. In any case, I guess this emotional high seems to really be driven not by anything related to my physical health but really more by my emotional well-being. I have tried to make each moment count in the past few weeks, and it feels like everything is more meaningful because of that. I only hope I can keep this up. To repeat something I heard at Shabbat dinner on Friday night, great things are happening everywhere. I'm glad that they're happening to me, and I hope they're happening to you too. :)

Besito,
A

"We're just having fun, we don't care who sees."

Reading over my last post, it seems like every other time I write on here, my hip has done a complete 180. For the moment, knock on wood, it is feeling the best that it has in a really long time. It feels so good that I even played lazer tag, during which I ran for the majority of the ten minute game. Crazy, right? The really remarkable thing about it is that I haven't taken my anti-inflammatories in a week. There is a good reason for that--I was sick last week with a fever that spiked all the way to 103.3 and as low as 94.8. For some reason, my anti-inflammatories had no impact on my fever, so, for good measure, I stopped taking them and replaced them with regular Advil. That seems to have worked, and my fever held off for the duration of my last Unofficial. After that, it seems to have just disappeared. Nevertheless, I'm guessing that my rheumatologist would probably like me to start taking my anti-inflammatories again, but what fun is that? It's so much more fun to rebel and experiment, but I guess I'll follow doctor's orders on this one.

One really nice thing about being so sick last week and my mostly OJ/Gatorade diet is that I managed to lose 1.8lbs. Even though I'm healthy again, it seems like that weight is staying off. At this point, I'm back to 22.8lbs down. That means that I have another 19.2 to go. I have my sights set on losing that weight before I start work in October, but we'll see how studying for the bar exam impacts my goals. In the meantime, I'm going to do all that I can to keep heading in this direction, especially in light of my upcoming spring break cruise. Until then, it's back to studying, and maybe a workout later today. Wish me luck!

Besito,
A

"Like an eagle, I will soar above the clouds."

I'm back, again. I've been rather busy these past three weeks, and the blogging kinda stopped as a result. There's a lot that has gone on, and, yet, much of it isn't easy to capture or describe here. Suffice it to say, I've been occupied and running all over the place. Of course, for those of you who know me, you know that this is my favorite state of affairs. The busier I am, the happier and more efficient I am. To that end, these past two months have been really amazing. I've had the time and pleasure to catch up with friends and family, making every moment count. I've even gotten some sleep. Surprising, I know. Don't worry, I'm still a night owl. Probably always will be one, but I digress. In a recent conversation with one of my friends, I was reflecting on my own happiness, commenting on its source and suddenness. I'm usually a happy person, but, recently, it's really taken off and powered me through some of my toughest moments. My hip has been really bad recently, leading to serious doubts on my part that I will ever recover, but I'm hanging in there. I tried to play volleyball last week, and that turned out to be a terrible choice. I haven't felt the same since, but I'm hoping that the anti-inflammatories will start working again. They seem to have less and less of an impact, which makes me think it's about time to return to the doctors. As I often remark, "Oh goody." Otherwise, there's not too much to remark about here.

I hope to write a longer, more interesting post next time.

Meanwhile, if you're reading this blog and we haven't spoken in a while, let me know that you follow me. I've been surprised by certain people telling me that they follow me and that they've really enjoyed hearing about my journey. If you haven't yet told me, please do. I'd love to know more about the kind of people who read this so that I can post more interesting stuff.

Until then, un beso.

A

"What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger, Stand A Little Taller"

So far, 2012 has been full of surprises. For one, I actually grew a half inch. I know what you're thinking, "Alyse, you are insanely tall now!" I know this because I had the same thought. Going from 5 feet and 2.5 inches to 5 feet 3 inches is a HUGE step. That puts me in the almost normal height category, right? Insanity. After not growing for 15 years, I suddenly grew. While most of the statements above were made to make you laugh, it is pretty strange. I have to believe that the running and the weight loss have somehow helped me to stand taller or something like that, but, whatever the cause, it's still pretty neat from a mental image perspective. In particular, it is cool that it happened during what has become a very weird period of my journey toward health. On the one hand, I am reinvigorated. On the other hand, I am exhausted. A lot of friends have called to ask about the status of my hip injury and others have asked when we are going to run our next 5K together. I say that I'm exhausted because, while I love the attention and compassion, it is sometimes really tiring to explain what I'm going through. It's not like pretty much anything else I've ever experienced before. It's intense, unpredictable, debilitating, disheartening, ... yada yada yada. The best way to explain it is to say that, on a good day, it feels like lactic acid has built up in my inner thigh/groin and the outside of my hip. On a bad day, it just depends. It's been so bad sometimes that I am unable to walk, lift my leg, or do anything putting pressure on the hip. Other times, it may just be certain positions that hurt, but walking is okay. Really, the unpredictability is a big part of the burden. While discussing my options for birthright trips I might take this summer, the concept of an outdoors focus came up, and I immediately rejected the idea, mainly because I have no idea if my hip can handle that. These days, it has really been behaving itself. I worked out on Monday night, focusing my energy on a 5K on the elliptical and some arm exercises/lifts. I had originally intended to stay on the elliptical for a bit longer than a 5K, but I could kind of feel like my leg was going to hate me the following day...so I stopped. Sometimes, I wonder if I stop myself short because I'm listening to my body or because I'm listening to my brain. It's hard, at this point, to tell whether my physical limitations are causing me to be reasonably cautious OR whether my mentality is causing me to be overly fearful of what I will feel like post-exercise if I continue. In any case, I'm trying to keep my head in the game and to take baby steps toward recovery. This week has truly been a good one, and I hope to go back to the gym tomorrow. Gotta get in shape for all of the trips I'm planning on taking this year.

That's all for now.

Besito,
A

"Oh, I've been smiling lately..."

The new semester has begun, and, with it, I have found a new kind of optimism. I'm still not sure if/when my hip will get back into working condition, but I am of the mindset that have a lot to be happy about these days. To some degree, that feeling started when I attended my first ever professional hockey game with my brother. There's something about the way our friendship has progressed that always puts me in a good mood and lifts my spirits. That night, despite my pain, I had an amazing time. The feeling carried me through the next day and was reinvigorated when I went to Shabbat at Rabbi Garfinkel's house, followed by hanging out with some friends. Those events put me on an emotional and spiritual high that has carried me through this week, which has been full of meetings upon more meetings upon...well, you get the idea. Despite the late nights followed by early mornings, I have the kind of energy that I got last semester from running. I have used that energy to restart my weightloss journey, and I am proud to report that I've lost 3lbs since Tuesday. While 3lbs in 4 days is too rapid to be sustainable, I can assure you all that it has been done through eating healthy, and I am positive that this rate of weightloss will not continue. I think my body is just excited to be back on track, heading in the right direction for the first time in a while. I'm excited for what this semester has to bring, even if it means living despite the daily aches and pains. :)

Besito,
A

"One day, One day...I know some day it'll all turn around"

This week has, like many of the recent ones, been filled with high highs and a few remarkable lows. For the most part, my spirits are really high. I've spent so much time with friends and family that it makes it hard to not feel good. Nevertheless, being in the city this week for an intersession class means that I've done lots of walking, which translates into pain. :/ The first few days of steroids made my hips feel really good, but they don't seem to be working now that my dosage is not as strong. In addition, the most recent finding is that I do not have inflammation of the sacrum / sacral joint. So, in many ways, I'm back to where I started this break, but, in many ways, things have changed. I've taken the time to stop and enjoy the moment, to live despite the pain that plagues me day in and day out. My friend RG tonight put it best when he said, "You just seem at peace with yourself and with life." As much as I hope that one day this condition will be fully treated or just disappear on its own, I also feel that this experience has taught me a lot about myself and helped me to appreciate the little things. For the moment, I remain optimistic that someone can figure out what is actually going on with me, but, until then, I'll just try to keep my head up and wait for the day...

Besito,
A

"I Want You to Take Over Control"

As I write this post, I'm feeling inspired, touched, energized, and refreshed. The past few days have been filled with visits to friends, tons of catching up, and, you guessed it, another doctor's appointment. This time, my rheumatologist concluded, on the basis of my blood tests, that I have significant inflammation but do not have a textbook case of arthritis. Of course, I was thrilled to hear that. I was also relieved when she told me that she was truly committed to getting me back into a position to be able to run again. She really connected with me in that way. While I respect the orthopedic surgeon's conclusion and his belief that strengthening the area might be enough, I really wasn't satisfied--something I expressed in no uncertain terms to my rheumatologist. My rheumatologist stated that she believed that my inflammation was more severe than that which you would expect if my pain were caused by a potential labral tear. To that end, she believes that the inflammation is related to the sacral joint (aka sacrum), but, to be sure, she needed another MRI (my second in two days)--which I did immediately after our appointment. In the meantime, she prescribed six days of oral steroids and suggested that this may take away the pain permanently--though there's no predicting whether that will occur. For the moment, however, I feel amazing. I'm not sure if this feeling is attributable to the steroids, enthusiasm from my doctor's enthusiasm, or what, but I feel different than I have these past few weeks. As many of you know, this hasn't been the most fun winter break that I've had, given all of the running around that is both physically and emotionally taxing and hasn't really yielded much in the way of results. Nevertheless, I am reinvigorated for the moment and am hopeful that this is the beginning of something good.

In addition to the positive energy generated from within and from my doctor, my friends have been incredibly supportive over these past few weeks. It has been pleasantly surprising to see how many people care and how much they care about my physical well-being. Whether through phone calls, texts, or in-person conversations, some people have gone above and beyond to send me the message that they are on my team. I know that this stuff isn't entirely news to all of you, as I have mentioned it in the past, but, with each rekindled friendship or moments spent with people with whom I am already quite close, I feel a bit stronger. I am very much looking forward to resuming life as normal, but, until then, I'll remain content with the fact that I'm blessed to be surrounded by such great family and friends.

Random note: I'm suddenly able to cross my right leg over my left knee--something I haven't been able to do since the symptoms first appeared on August 5. Each little step is a piece of the puzzle. :)

Besito,
A

"Let's have a celebration"

Today is a very important day. It's not my birthday, and to anyone else January 3 is just like any other day. For me, however, today marks the anniversary of the day I began my weight-loss journey. Looking back, I can hardly remember what I was like back then. I remember reaching the breaking point and deciding on January 3rd that I was going to start doing things differently. Much to my surprise, it worked. Sure, as you all have read, I have had my ups and downs, my challenges and triumphs, but this journey has been worth it. I don't have my scale at home with me, but I would guess, based off of my last weigh-in, that I have managed to keep off about 23 out of all the pounds I lost. While the weight I have lost and managed to keep off is a source of great pride, I know that there are things that I need to work on and a lot of obstacles in front of me. In large part, these obstacles relate to getting back at it. I have another 20-30lbs to lose, which is daunting mainly because of my hip issues. Nevertheless, I've decided to stop excusing myself from all physical activity. Although my pain is very real and very difficult to manage, there ARE exercises that I can do without pain. My doctor said that the only exercise I absolutely must avoid are martial arts and running, and I can run, according to him, "if my mental sanity requires it." Spoken like a true runner! Respecting doctor's orders, I went on the elliptical Saturday afternoon and ran a 5K. Not only did I finish a full 5K without stopping, but I did it in record time. Now, I realize that running a 5K on a track/outside is dramatically different than running on an elliptical, but I'm going to challenge myself on the elliptical the same way I did when I started to run--pushing myself to go further and faster. I don't anticipate that I will get the same kind of runner's high that I got from regular running, but I am trying to pump myself up nonetheless. Of course, this also means that my blog will hopefully return to the kinds of topics I focused on in 2011.

Make no mistake, the above is not a resolution. Why not? I read an article my friend posted on her facebook wall that discussed the ways in which resolutions are pointless. I couldn't agree more. Most of our NYE resolutions are unrealistic and cause us to believe in an all-or-nothing mentality. If I learned anything from my 2011 journey, weight-loss isn't something that happens overnight. It is an extremely frustrating experience, but it is also very worthwhile. It is full of moments when you question what the point of it all is and whether you will ever achieve your goals. Which brings me to my point...the above is a goal that will contribute to a habit that will transform the rest of my life. Eating healthy and working out are not temporary things and do not happen quickly. They must become ways of life. The past few days and weeks notwithstanding, they remain part of my life even in my darkest moments (esp. when dealing with my hip). Whether they are made manifest in my refusing a cookie or leaving a few extra nibbles from my meal, I am conscious of the food that I am using to fuel my body and propel it into motion. That being said, I can and will be more attentive to this in the future because that is important if I am going to lose the 20-30lbs that still elude me.

I look forward to everything 2012 holds for me, especially on this anniversary. On that note, I raise a glass of soda water and toast to those of you who have followed me throughout this journey. To another year together!

Besito,
A