"Don't Be Ashamed to Cry"

So, I have used the song "Stand by You" as a title for a blog entry before, but I feel like it's particularly fitting for the subject of this particular entry. As many of you know and as my entries since August 5 have suggested, my hip injury has impacted me in some way every day since I first felt pain. It occupies my thoughts when I wake up, when I go to sleep, and for many hours in between. This year, however, has been one of the best I can remember. I spent the last two hours talking with a friend who I haven't spoken with much, and I found myself complaining...a lot. What I loved most about the conversation, though, was the feeling that, regardless of everything, he validated my feelings and showed me that he was going to stand by me. I can imagine that friendship with me hasn't recently been the easiest thing, especially given how boring it is to hear about my hip, studying for the bar, or anything else that is really going on in my life. Nevertheless, conversations like the one tonight are the true measure of friendship--when someone takes the time to listen to me, to do the un-fun thing out of love and respect for me, even if the discussion itself wasn't the most enjoyable (or enjoyable in the slightest). Anyway, for Josh tonight and for everyone else out there who has listened to me and been patient or expressed interest and concern about my condition, I want to say thanks. In the coming months, I will need you all to be strong for me--while I study for the bar and prepare myself for surgery. I have no doubt, however, that these same people are up to the task, and I will forever be indebted to them. Much love, A

"Tell Me What You Want Me to Say"

The final verdict is surgery. I met with Dr. Domb, my new orthopedic surgeon today, and he has prescribed surgery on both hips conditioned on me getting yet another MRI. Yes, my fourth MRI since September. This, of course, was an opinion rendered by the sixth doctor I have consulted (if you include the one at McKinley - which is definitely a subject of debate) upon taking my fifth or sixth set of x-rays.

At this point, it's getting really old, not to mention expensive. I'm just so tired of being 96 before I've even reached 26. For the most part, I think I've been a good sport. I've held it together when my hip gave out, including most recently on the cruise and at the Kentucky Derby. I've been through endless amounts of poking and prodding, physical therapy, and anti-inflammatories, among other things. This whole process has finally worn me down to a point where I'm just not really sure how much more I can take. Surgery seems like the best course, but a number of things stand in the way--studying for the bar, my PILI fellowship, and Birthright. On the one hand, my health is the priority, but, on the other, Birthright represents the ability to do something I have always wanted to do--something I may need to do in order to feel more like myself than I have since this pain began on August 5. I have had this condition for 276 days, and I can probably count on one hand the number of days when I didn't think about it. A majority of those "carefree days" have been because of special friends who have made this last year of law school so special, despite the negative cloud created by my condition. I look forward to the day when this condition no longer plagues me, but I'm just not sure when that day will be.

Sorry for the depressing post. Hopefully the next one will be filled with better news.